The human condition: I’m afraid.
Afraid, it’s more prevalent than dog poop. It’s everywhere.
Everyone is fearful. Everyone!
Those who deny their fear are consumed by it. Those who recognize it as their birth right use it to their best advantage.
The bravest person you know is afraid of something. No one escapes.
Fear can flatten you or fuel you; you have a choice.
You just have to recognize that “choice” is an option.
Talking about your fear to other fearful folks makes it into an object that needs to be overcome, rather than a feeling that can be transformed.
Remember: That fear feeling you are feeling, belongs to everyone. You are not alone.
The only question is: How do you handle it? Does it eat you up or do you metabolize it?
It’s not a case of getting rid of fear; that’s snake oil. It’s more about recognizing it as a condition of existence, like breathing, and guiding it when it gets out of rhythm.
The best way I know to neutralize fear is to find it. It’s easy to find in your head. Just listen to your own conversations with yourself. That conversation isn’t fear. It’s just fear’s shadow. Real fear can only be felt in the only place you can feel – in your body.
The next time you are fearful, notice where that fear lives. Chances are you are going to feel it in the front part of your body somewhere between your throat and your bowels. If you pay attention, you’ll be able to pinpoint where your fear lives. It’s now a knowable sensation. It’s no longer an unknown fear, or an unreasonable fear, or an imaginary fear. It’s real!
All fear is real. It can be verified in your body.
Once you locate your fear, you are in a position to do something with it. Just like when you notice that your breathing is askew, you can take some deep breaths to steady the ship.
The way to best manage fear is to fully feel it. That means to locate it in your body and give it your full attention. That doesn’t mean to discuss it; it means to feel it. Put your attention on the part of your body feeling the fear and keep it there. Notice what it feels like and stay with that feeling. You’ll be tempted to distract yourself with something else so you don’t have to feel this feeling. Decline that invitation and stay where the action is.
This is how you metabolize fear so that it passes through the immobilization stage and becomes somewhat inert and levels off to a manageable level.
You’ll have plenty of opportunities to practice this technique because we are conditioned to so many stimuli that trigger fear. Once you begin to recognize fear as a feeling, you have a new choice to do something about it – feel it fully.
Being afraid is normal. Staying afraid is a choice.
Feeling your fear is not a matter of bravery where you have to stand up to it. It’s more of an opportunity to offer this hitchhiker a ride out of town.
NOTE: Not all fear is immobilizing. Sometimes it’s a feeling you can use to your best advantage. It can fuel you to do something your normal octane level couldn’t accomplish. That’s usually a case of one fear overriding another when you fear the consequences of inaction more than you do the fear feeling itself.
It’s scary to be afraid. It’s scarier not to feel it.
The next time fear makes a visit, invite it in and give it a massage. Feel it fully and watch your tensions melt and fade away.
All the best,
John
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How To Change NOW!
You may wonder how some people make changes effortlessly while you continue to struggle.
What’s their secret?
They changed their routine.
They didn’t do it with a lot of “trying” - just noticing.
Have you ever taken the time to notice your routine? For example, have you ever encountered a “chain smoker?” They light another cigarette from the one they’ve just completed smoking.
If you look at the “chain of events” more carefully, you will begin to notice something. Somewhere in their routine there is a decision point. Let’s call it the point of action.
What would happen, if just before that point, you were able to interrupt that routine? You would create options rather than having an automatic response.
The smoker, once they reach the decision point, only has one option – to smoke.
They feel helpless because they don’t recognize their options.
The same is true of people on a weight loss plan. They get to that decision point and only have one option – to eat what’s in front of them. Then they feel guilty.
You are not at fault; you’re just a slave to your routines.
Noticing your routines is the first step in changing them. There is no creativity in an automated choice – just a sameness that gets you the same result. That’s great for routines that are working for you but paralyzing for ones that aren’t.
Trying to fight with your routines is like trying to fight with the ocean. Reminds me of a family story . . .
When my boys were younger and living at home, we would rent a cottage at the Jersey shore for a couple of weeks each summer. We went to the beach everyday and a good portion of that time was spent in the water riding the surf. I remember starting a ritual with them that we did at least once a vacation. We would stand almost waist deep in the water facing the oncoming waves. We formed a human chain by holding hands and puffed up our chests and resisted the approaching wave. We all got knocked back or under by the sheer force of the ocean and when we collected ourselves we said the following in unison:
“Man versus ocean; ocean wins again.”
Then we would all laugh. When you oppose the flow of reality, you get knocked on your tushie every time.
Your routines are a reality. They exist. Fighting with them is called “Willpower.” Willpower may win a sprint but it always comes up short in a marathon.
The practice of noticing your routines, while they are happening, is the starting point of change. It’s a powerful way to demonstrate to you the automatic behavior that routines deliver time after time.
Consistent application of this noticing strategy will eventually get you to your goal.
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I wonder what you’ll do. Will you let the automatic choice be made for you again OR will you MAKE A DECISION NOW?
All the best,
John
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