GrasshopperNotes.com - Thoughts for inspired living


June 15, 2015

Not Looking For An Answer

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 7:11 am

IStock 000032943418 SmallThis post could easily be entitled FOR MEN ONLY because it’s about one of the things we men do that rarely works.

I don’t believe there’s a man alive who’s been in a male-female relationship that hasn’t experienced this phenomenon.

Your female partner says something aloud that’s troubling her. It could be anywhere between mundane and serious and our response is the same: We go into problem solving mode.

Even after years and years of this scenario playing out, we don’t get it.

The Grasshopper got it and gave it to me the other day: “They don’t want you to solve their problem; they just want to sound it out.”

They just want to get what’s running around in their head on an external speaker and hear what it sounds like outside their head.

“Sounding it out” is like writing their problem out on paper so they can explore what options are available. They really want to solve the problem themselves. We were just privy to what was supposed to be a private experience and we mistook it for and S.O.S.

We then reach for our tool belt and go into “fix it” mode, when all they wanted to do was unload.

“Hunter and Protector’ may be in a man’s DNA but it doesn’t mean we have to always “Save the Day.”

Unless they ask for our help, don’t assume they want it.

People are not helpless. We all have internal resources to call upon to address and assuage our troubles. We just have to be given an opportunity to use them.

If you’re a parent, you know there comes a time to back off and let your child solve their own problems. This gives them experience in coming up with their own resources when you’re not around to make everything better.

We men, especially, haven’t fully learned that lesson when it comes to our female partners.

I’m not an expert on relationships but this much seems like a pretty sure bet: If you think they’re looking to you for an answer, you’re all wet.

All the best,

John



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